Five Things about my Mom. By Ian B (Age 9)
Number One) She has a temper problem.
Number Two ) She is kind.
( I believe this is the point where the editor, in this case the teacher, or possibly school psychologist, stepped in and changed number one from “She is really mean” or possibly” She is always mad” because they saw the direction this was heading and said gently ” Maybe you could think of something nice to say about her?”)
Number Three) She likes to go to London.
( Yes that I do, I will give him that, and as often as possible, it helps tremendously with my” temper problem.” I can just visualize the editor wiping their brow in relief at this one, thinking “Well, maybe this won’t turn out quite as badly as I thought after all”)
Number Four) She would really like to lose a few pounds.
(Once again we see why investing in a good editor is of the utmost importance. Because I’m quite sure the first draft of this charming essay started off as “She is really fat.” Something I had complained about constantly on a daily basis no matter what size I actually was his whole life)
Number Five) She is semi-awesome.
( I would say it’s a pretty safe bet the teacher suggested he go out on a high note and recommended he lie blatantly and say how totally awesome I actually was, but being the writer, he must have final approval of the finished document. So he insisted on a semi being included and staying, for the sake of historical accuracy and the integrity of his work as an artist)
Now, in my defense… lol
Ian is mildly autistic, and was an absolute horror to live with for about three years at that time, So I had been in a pretty foul mood pretty much most of the time, but mainly because so was he. Life wasnt easy for any of us then , especially at 7 am when I had been up writing all night after spending four hours arguing with him over 20 minutes worth of homework and I had to drag him onto the school bus every morning, both of us kicking and screaming. And couldn’t sleep until he got home at 3:30 because the school was calling every two hours to complain about his behavior.
And I had been calling myself too fat since I broke the scale at a whopping 120 pounds, so I really have only myself to blame for that one lol
BUT… He will never live down the SEMI- in that awesome! And it has become one of our favorite family stories ever since!
I wish I still had the paper, with his adorable childish scrawl . But when he returned to school the next day with it still in his backpack and he told the teacher I yelled at him (you know, that whole temper problem thing I got going on) and then cried all the rest of the day and all night, they(the school) decided to throw it away and so by the time I found it hilarious, not heartbreaking and went looking for it to save forever, it was long gone.
We switched his schools soon after, to one I didn’t have to drag him to the bus to go to every morning, and one where the faculty full of “behavioral experts” didn’t feel the need to call me and complain about how they could “do nothing with him” for an hour three times a day during the only time I could get any sleep and suddenly he became a straight A student who was a joy to live with and hopefully I lost the SEMI in my Awesome.