Book two in my new Series the Amazing Gracelynn has been 80% percent done since December! And I’m just finishing it this week (I hope) but everything has gone wrong since Christmas! I started turning into Jabba the Hutt sometime in late December, but I thought , well, I just need the weather to get good, get some exercise, fresh air, get a tan , stop spending so much time at the keyboard and more doing things like occasionally speaking to people and leaving the house and I’m sure the unattractive skin tone , insanely rapidly increasing writers spread, newly acquired cankles, lethargy and the bizarre croaking sound when I attempt to use my vocal chords will be gone in no time!
As soon as it gets the slightest bit warm I’m going back on Atkins and starting my daily 2 mile walk to the gym again, starting Operation Turn Back time and catching the bus home curled up in a ball moaning 3 hours later! It will be great! So off I trot to by My GP who gives me the Great news! I am not, in fact a lunatic who loves to scream at my rambunctious adult children who should know better horse playing full volume while I’m trying to work but instead I have high blood pressure!
HA HA HA In your face FAM!
I am NOT a crazy bitch I’m SICK! TOLD YOU SO! Go ME!
And he must have been right because about a week later I heard my sixteen year old whispering to his big brother on the phone” Mom is so… nice. Now”
So I resolve to begin healthy living immediately as promised. And then we have the Coldest February on the east coast of the US of A in RECORDED HISTORY! But that’s okay because I’m still feeling pretty shitty and Jabba the Hutt thing is really out of control at this point so I really don’t feel like walking much anyway especially since I wake up screaming in agony and rush myself to the emergency room to find out I have a severe kidney infection!
“How bad is it Doc?”
“Well, most people come in here with a little blood in their urine, you have a little urine in your blood.”
“I mean I know I never move off the couch because I’m always writing, live on the coffee, rum, orange, juice and dill pickle diet when I’m working but why do I feel so crappy all the time? And what s up with the whole turning into Jabba the Hutt thing?”
“Well we did every test on you know to mankind and some we made on the spot just for the fun of it and the conclusion is it’s a miracle you managed to drag your boated , babyshit brown colored croaking carcass in here because you have the worst thyroid levels we’ve ever seen in an actually living human being. How we all laughed in our office when we saw the results of your lab work! I thought Sharon at the front desk was going to pee herself she was so hysterical,” he says reminiscing wiping a tear of joy and amusement at my expense from his eye!”
However if you religiously take your thyroid meds as i have been telling you to for years instead of popping one every three or four days when you actually remember to eat REAL food you might start feeling slightly better in.. Oh, 3-4 months or so. But… On the bright side… (There is a bright side?)
“You are NOT, as your family and friends have been happily reminding you daily for five years, Going to Die! at least, In the near future “ If you don’t quit drinking, start , eating, get some exercise and quit staying up for three days non –stop writing” In fact, considering your lifestyle Its astounding just exactly how NOT GOING TO DIE YOU ARE!
“But I was so certain this time! What about the … “THYROID
“AND THE…” THYROID
“Yeah but then there’s the …” THYROID”
“But certainly THIS is really Weir…” “THYROID”
But you have to admit THAT is certainly not Norma…” “ THYROID”
So I crawled on the bus and went home , in my scaly brown flabby body leaving a trail of green oooze behind me and with a hot girl in a gold bikini with hair earmuffs on a leash.
Not looking forward to the next four months but thrilled at the opportunity to disappoint my loved ones with the news that I was not, in fact, going to die and as long as I took my meds I could continue to do just exactly as I pleased 24/7 without dying ANYTIME in the near future unless one of them smothered me in my sleep. Which is not outside the realm of possibility, which is one of the main reasons I never sleep.
But I did decide that it was time for a much needed vacation so I went to visit my son Jayme the actor in LA for two weeks for some fresh air, exercise, sunshine and “medicine”.
Los Angles, of course, being the perfect vacation destination when you are going to hang out with a bunch of gorgeous sexy 20 something actors, models, and comedians when “Dude yo mamma is so sick she looks just like Jabba the Hut” which was unfortunately, confirmed when I got home and checked out the 400 pictures of the trip only two of which I would be caught dead in and will ever see the light of day, believe me.
Will blog LA trip in part two.
But at least March got off to a good start!
So I immediately doubled my time drinking , and staying up on 50 hour writing marathons knowing my internal organs had already been that badly abused and were still giving me the thumbs up so I clearly wasn’t working hard enough yet! GO ME!
I’m hoping June will be better because in May my husband had a life threatening heart blocked artery situation which was hopefully fixed permanently with two stents GO SCIENCE!
But causing me to miss the Todd Rundgren Global tour gig in Virginia and backstage at The Who in Philly, two of the only three decent shows coming up the next two months but really, in the scheme of things SO WHAT? GO GRATITUDE!
My mom has gotten even sicker even though with Parkinson’s disease and a bad heart already getting SICKER really doesn’t seem fair, but her team of Specialists have been predicting she would die any day now for at least the last twenty years and I think she’s so determined not to that when the rest of us are gone it will be up to her and Keith Richards to repopulate the human race. GO MOM!
My Dell from Hell which had just been completely refurbished after it ate hard drive number 16 in January ate hard drive number 17 in May and computer less I spent a week tearing the house apart doing hard physical manual labor trying to clean and organize the place because the only time I do housework is when my computer is broken!( hmmmm, I wonder if my hubby has anything to do with all those broken hard drives?)
And my oldest son could have died in a car crash but emerged without a scratch!
Then went BACK to work on the book full force immediately after and I crashed so bad from all the hard work and stress in Jan through April that the third week of May I just slept non- stop seven straight days and I’m still tired! LOL
But we are all still here and for that I’m very happy and very grateful
And by the of the week book two Growing Up Gracefully will be a final draft for proofreading
SO GO LIFE! http://aaa.theamazinggracelynn.com/